Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It was a year ago

Last weekend, my mind was all about him. Fortunately, I had a busy wedding weekend and it went well.

but last night, for the second time within a few days, I dreamed about him and again, it was a getting-back-together oriented dream... like if I needed this.

My mind and my heart is still upside down, I still have not succeeded to forget him and about our short but so nice time together last year and so, indeed, it was a year ago that we met. I was worried about that moment to come but it has come.

I have not have any news or contact since he came to my place last September, he was all "yes, let's keep in touch, keep me posted about your new job" (I was a buyer assistant at that moment), etc. But nothing happened and he totally stopped any contacts with me. I do not know if he is still dating his girl and what is new about him and am dying to have news about him. I am still in touch with a friend and colleague of him but have not seen him since D. broke up with me because I had understood he was not against dating me and it scared me but now, curiosity is too big and I am thinking about asking J. to have a drink some time just to have subtly news about D.

Each time I wake up from these dreams, I am overwhelmed and sad and scared and nostalgic... For the past months, I said that I needed time to get over D. and be ready for a new relationship but each time I am thinking about a new man in my life I cannot help it but think that he will not be enough D. like, I am so pitiful and sad and scared and nostalgic... I have let my profile on the two dating Websites I used to be one but I rarely go there, I wait for emails and delete them instantly because guys are not interesting (and not D. enough), when I run a research ones in a while, I can even find a guy to who send an email within about a hundred of them.

So I wait for a normal encounter but most of my friends are married, in a relationship and friends of my friends are also in relationships, have set up house with their partner, etc. I do not make new encounters at work where there are only women, the fitness club? well people are, as I am, focused on their training and I would be too shy to go and talk to a handsome guy not know if he is available or what, I do not go out because I am out of money and my friends are all busy with their family, partner or anything else, so elsewhere? well, where?

I stopped believing there are free nice guys out there for me anymore, it is too late. And to make it all easier, I am a so selective person and I have become even more careful about guys. Something weird happened at my friend's wedding last Saturday, I met the partner of a University pal, a kind girl I know from University but do not hang out with, I had never seen him before, guess what is name was, D.... and he was kind of looking a little like him and I could not stop looking at him all the evening, what a sad girl...

In some way, I still think about him but also wish I could have a new man in my life to go on and have a life that means something, I miss all the couple things, even the simplest ones, I miss tenderness, I miss love.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Thursday it ends.

Here it is, this is my last week of work.

Due to various reasons, I will be out of work at the end of this week.

The tests I was scheduled to take for the dream job on early May are postponned till the end of May or early June because of some personnal problems.

Indeed, I will take advantage of this free time to go as I want to the fitness club but will also try to find some temp work or hosting missions till then at least.

The bad news are that at the same time I lose this job, the government help I was receiving since last April, will be reduced from May till July because I have worked since January and files are reviewed every three-month. BAD TIMING! sad

It is going to be even harder that it already was, just spend money on rent, bills and grocery. No any luxuary, for now.

Right now, I am kind of stressed about that situation but also kind of relieved because the job was becoming a pain in the a**. I am so eager to be at the end of this week and be done with that and be able to go on a new path, but which one?